getting covid

DISCLAIMER

*I own that this is my experience, I don’t name names or give details in order to honor the agreement I made to only speak about my experience, and though there is crossover, our experience IS impacted by others. My intention in sharing is to be vulnerable in my experience AND to share what I learned*

Since the pandemic began, I have been pretty ardent in not wearing a mask outside, maintaining social distancing, and not attending big gatherings of people indoors. while testing SO OFTEN the testing center knows me by name.

Like a lot of people, I have made few exceptions for the people I am closest to, and usually spent a couple of days in quarantine before that happens.

I have also been looking at the moment by moment reflections for myself about my safety and if I felt like I needed to not be somewhere, I would get up and leave without a second thought.

I have navigated this pandemic to the best of my ability, and I was doing SO well. I went to Thailand, Bali, Mexico, Costa Rica, New York, Idaho, Utah, Washington, and California with not even a scare… I did get dengue fever in Bali and met my death (what do we say to the God of Death?…) but that was not Covid, and it made me a little more aware of the things I can’t see (covid, mosquitos, etc).

After a year and a half of being aware about connecting with others, I honestly thought I had nothing to worry about. I always knew that if I got Covid, I wouldn’t become a death statistic… and my experience with dengue solidified it.

Authentically, I really thought I was above it… like somehow my practices of self care, hydration, exercise, rest, meditation, building a relationship with my food, and being aware of myself in the environment around me.. it almost felt like the cosmos was moving in support of my health. My understanding of people’s refusal to be vaccinated is about standing in their choice against the enormous pressure to put an experiment into their body.

** TO BE CLEAR**

I am not against vaccines, or vaccinated people, nor do I fully ascribe to the narrative that the powers that be are trying to implant tracking chips, or are willfully acting against our best interests collectively. There are many conspiracy theories that are just not a part of the world I live in… and if I am ever bored enough, or paid enough, I will write a post about that…

I believe that medicines are unique, and the ones that are made to combat disease are generally effective. There are people that it will harm, and there are people that it will benefit, and there are people who will have no effect on. The same thing could be said for the diseases that are being treated.

Corona-ideology has reached a nebulous point that has led people to getting vaccinated when they don’t want to, afraid of getting vaccinated thought they want to, and people treating people like shit for what they believe… but I digress.

I thought I was above it, until the retreat happened.

I came to Mexico to offer massages to a really diverse group of women all from different backgrounds with their own unique views. They were here to gather, release their pent up emotions, and call in more radiance, abundance, openness, and heart-centered connection as women. I was there as the only man to support with bodywork and offer whatever other support felt appropriate.

A couple of people were on cleanses and detoxing… GOD! I have TOTALLY been there! the fluctuating body temperature, sweats, low energy, pale skin, lack of focus, not to mention the misery of being around food you can’t eat AND the people who are enjoying it. Its enough to drive anyone to bed early and find a comfy spot to nap during the daytime.

We were there to connect, to share, and to take accountability for our lives. At the beginning of the retreat, we made agreements to take care of ourselves, and to not share anyone else’s experience. It was a beautiful container for these women that I got to witness and to see MY LADY sharing practices, wisdom, and space-holding in service to their opening and empowerment… it was such an incredible honor, and she did it with such grace!

As a background player I saw some women come in really closed off and playing small, and witnessed them stepping into their power, owning their experience and what they wanted different in their life. It was really inspiring to witness.

On day 5 of the retreat, I woke up feeling really sick, my body hurt to move, my head was pounding my mind was clouded, and my whole body ached. This happens occasionally when I am a part of facilitating really big experiences without much rest and I usually take it as my body’s signal for me to rest… so I generally sleep NONSTOP until Im better.

This morning, I woke up and cracked open the Binax at home Covid test to see if I got Covid. When it came back negative.. I was equal parts relieved and excited to get back to sleep. My body was wracked, so I got a massage, confident that my negative test meant that it was negative… we could argue the points of test inaccuracies (as this one turned out to be) but I used everything I had at my disposal to understand what was going on with me, but a massage felt necessary and I believed it was something else.

So I came back after my massage and slept all day… that is, until I was woken up by the ladies getting ready for their photoshoot, they were abuzz with excitement, dancing, laughing, trying on clothes, and having a great time.

Their great time hurt my head, and I got out of bed to ask them to move their little fiesta. As soon as my foot hit the ground, something was REALLY wrong, it took everything I had to walk.. I needed to sleep and they needed to move… or I did. I walked outside, and literally all of my focus was on WILLING my body to take the next step without falling. I forgot why I got up, I just needed to sleep.

This was as close an experience to primitive brain as I have ever had… single step… must sleep. I walked until I couldn’t hear them, I made it up a flight of stairs and to a room that turned out to be occupied by someone else…. without a word, I turned around and went to find somewhere else.

I walked down the stairs on the opposite side and went to try to lay down. One of the other supporters asked if I was okay and for the first time I found words. Barely whispering, that I needed quiet to sleep, she asked if she could walk me back and I just collapsed. I laid down on the floor for a few minutes and she asked what I needed. I don’t know. sleep.

Her voice was fading in and out, but I remember thinking ‘massage table’, I got up and stumbled as she helped me to the massage table. Some people came to ask if I was okay. I felt so cared for, and was touched by their willingness to come try to help, but honestly, the more people were around me, the more I needed to move. The acupuncturist came to give me a session and my pain eased, but it still took so much effort to just move.

That night is a swirl of thoughts of what I needed next, and what was happening in the group as I was outside of it. It felt like I was in another realm, unable to do anything but the next right thing for me.

The pool… OMG my body needed the pool! I went in the pool while the ladies readied themselves for the next part of their evening… a burlesque performance.

The pool felt magical, the lukewarm water was the perfect temperature to feel refreshing while making movement much easier. I went between the pool and the hot tub many times over the next hour feeling like my body was settling down. After I could move A LITTLE easier, I wrapped myself in blankets and sat by the fire I built the day before.

I felt like an old man, wrapped in Mexican blankets, someone said I look like an old shaman by my fire. Sweet, but I was focused on what I was feeling inside, and asking my body to recover, to warm up, and to feel better tomorrow. When my process felt complete, I got up took some naproxen and went to sleep.

I woke up in the middle of the night and felt SO MUCH better, my sheets were soaked, my temperature regulated, the open-air villa was still and quiet as everyone else slept. I spent a couple more rounds at the pool, speaking a little gratitude for the massage, the accupuncture, and the ladies for doing what they could to help me out of the fog. I felt so blessed to have had such a short recovery… or so I thought.

The next day, the bulk of the group was leaving, and just to be sure, I took the other at-home sets, which came back negative, I felt super-confident that it was not the dreaded ‘rona.

Leadership and I spent the day digesting the whole week, resting, and getting ready for the friends that were coming the following day. My Lady and one of the other ladies that were staying had felt a little low-energy and had a little cough the morning everyone left.

After having a miscarriage and then choosing to continue working nonstop every day creating these shifts for these 10 people, its understandable that her body would be telling her to rest after that much output.

So we rested… I think we watched 7 episodes on a Netflix binge without moving except for bathroom, food, and water. Rest was the order of the day. We were getting ready for a fun, intimate week in Mexico with our friends, and wanted to save our energy. We had plans to surf and swim, ride horses and explore.. it was going to be FUN!

The next day, we agreed to all get tested, and when the results came back, it was positive for the three of us. SHIT!

We immediately opened it up to tell the group, and let people know to get tested, it turned out a few people got it, and a few people didn’t.. the Capricorn in me kept track of who was vaccinated, who wasn’t.. who got sick, who hadn’t, and someone even got sick, and tested negative 3 times. It was impossible to detail out what could have prevented this and what could have been done differently. The results were all over the board. vaxxed and untaxed people escaped getting sick, while other vaxxed AND untaxed people did get it.

There was a lot of fear, anger, blame, and reflections for each of us which seemed to cast a shadow on the amazing week we had. It’s a waste to wonder if it was a cold if the shadow would be as large because that isn’t what happened.

The next week was an awkward week of 3 people with covid cohabitating with 3 people who didn’t have covid.. granted it was a pretty large open-air villa with lots of separate spaces… but our inner 5-year old just wanted to connect and hang out and play in Mexico.

We spent a couple of hours mourning and doing connection exercises that could be done from a distance… how do we have authentic connection while keeping each other safe and honoring one another’s boundaries while processing out the week we were going to have vs the week that was presented.

This was supposed to be a week to connect with my lady and grieve the miscarriage we had in the middle of the retreat while being surrounded by friends and loved ones, and to get ready for the next retreat that was coming up. How do we show up in integrity with everything that is happening?

Instead the week was spent in open conversation about what was happening, how we can all navigate it while taking care of ourselves and keeping ourself safe.

After spending a week together in the same vicinity, eating together, super social distanced dancing, and a level of segregation of areas/teams/othering, our friends escaped infection. So we found it IS possible to cohabitate with this virus.

I was SO ANGRY that there was no time, space, or consideration for my partner and I to really connect or grieve, we were in the middle of trying to be available to process the group’s reaction to what was happening.. while trying to heal and take care of ourselves. The task was Herculean.

We survived social media blasts lambasting leadership for letting covid into our container, by someone who knew they were sick, it was probably covid, yet they took a false negative and got on the plane anyway to get over covid at home, while telling leadership how they should be ashamed for endangering everyone. yet during the retreat their voice was not present. It was a mess.

I can understand the emotional response, but it seems like some people forgot their agreement to take care of themselves. With every experience, there is always reflections on how we can do it better next time, so I take these reflections with me as I go out into the world and create more containers for authentic relating.

I accept that there is more I can do next time to be more present in the setting of boundaries, and to encourage more open sharing of fears, considerations, and suggestions, while giving my self and space a little more room.. however I am proud of what we all co-created, warts and all and look forward to the next time. It does not deter me from creating ways we can connect in integrity in the future, and I am grateful I could be a part of this retreat.

Near as I can tell from my experience with the ‘rona, you can’t tell how it will impact anyone.. ALL of us had different symptoms, all of us had different vaxx statuses, false negatives, and everyone was in connection with everyone else and NOBODY chose to wear a mask, though we all had them.

This virus is no joke y’all AND it seems that people have forgotten that it is our job to protect ourselves the best we can and CHOOSE what that looks like, we can’t control the actions, intentions, or beliefs of others… and the agreement we had at the beginning of the retreat to take care of ourselves extends far beyond the retreat and is a life-truth.. our only job is to create our own safe environments to explore, experience, and process… others can try to create as safe an environment as possible for you, and authentic connection within these parameters IS possible, but nobody can do that job for you.

And, on a positive note, we all had a significant process, we all recovered, and of the ladies that CHOSE to come for the following week went through the same level of contact, everyone made it home safe, healthy, and enriched by their experience.

This is a learning process for all of us human beings, and my encouragement is that we can always do better, and we don’t know how until shit happens sometimes. Lets all agree to take care of ourselves the best we can and treat one another with a bit more understanding, I don’t believe anyone is TRYING to cause harm and you don’t ever know where someone else is coming from.